Baby Hate Camp
This is our beginner camp and is for children between the ages of six months and three years of age. REMEMBER: It's never too early to get your child started on the right path of becoming a strong, capable criminal and tap into his inner killer. We'll turn your baby into a monster!
Who sends their kids to Baby Hate Camp?
For the most part, people who send their children to Baby Hate Camp are criminals who want their children to follow in their footsteps. Are you at the top of your game in the rackets and hoping to pass your position down to your child? Perhaps you've come to the realization that crime has been normalized in the US, which means youngsters hoping to get into this exciting field are facing more competition than ever. Maybe you just want to give your child the advantages you didn't have. If any of this resonates with you, Baby Hate Camp is an excellent choice. We are multi-generational criminals and we know a thing or two about preparing young folks to succeed in the competitive world of organized crime!
Why is it called Baby "Hate" Camp?
It's important to note that we do not hate anyone based on what our attorney calls "immutable characteristics." Our organization is comprised of folks from various races and our summer camps are open to children regardless of color, religion, race, ethnicity, gender identity, gender expression or immigration status, and we do not discriminate on the basis of physical attributes like deformities, blindness, crippled kids, etc. We resent that bigoted organizations have usurped the word "HATE" and given it a negative image.
This is our beginner camp and is for children between the ages of six months and three years of age. REMEMBER: It's never too early to get your child started on the right path of becoming a strong, capable criminal and tap into his inner killer. We'll turn your baby into a monster!
Who sends their kids to Baby Hate Camp?
For the most part, people who send their children to Baby Hate Camp are criminals who want their children to follow in their footsteps. Are you at the top of your game in the rackets and hoping to pass your position down to your child? Perhaps you've come to the realization that crime has been normalized in the US, which means youngsters hoping to get into this exciting field are facing more competition than ever. Maybe you just want to give your child the advantages you didn't have. If any of this resonates with you, Baby Hate Camp is an excellent choice. We are multi-generational criminals and we know a thing or two about preparing young folks to succeed in the competitive world of organized crime!
Why is it called Baby "Hate" Camp?
It's important to note that we do not hate anyone based on what our attorney calls "immutable characteristics." Our organization is comprised of folks from various races and our summer camps are open to children regardless of color, religion, race, ethnicity, gender identity, gender expression or immigration status, and we do not discriminate on the basis of physical attributes like deformities, blindness, crippled kids, etc. We resent that bigoted organizations have usurped the word "HATE" and given it a negative image.
We teach babies that it's perfectly natural to HATE their enemies and to take joy in the DESTRUCTION of those who steal from them or wish them harm. However, we also teach babies to love their mamas, music, art and nature, so we could have called this course Baby Love Camp. In early discussions however, we determined Baby Love Camp may have unsavory connotations and might attract the wrong crowd.
Feeling uneasy about leaving your youngster with a bunch of dangerous felons for a few months?
Never fear! We at the Mayhem Group do not tolerate child abuse, and when you leave your infant or toddler in our care, we'll protect that child with our very lives. Your babies are safer with us than if they were at Fort Knox, because we're probably better armed! We have rarely lost a baby placed in our care, and there's never a need to worry about your child's physical well-being.
Never fear! We at the Mayhem Group do not tolerate child abuse, and when you leave your infant or toddler in our care, we'll protect that child with our very lives. Your babies are safer with us than if they were at Fort Knox, because we're probably better armed! We have rarely lost a baby placed in our care, and there's never a need to worry about your child's physical well-being.
How can Baby Hate Camp help prepare my little one for what lies ahead?
If there's anything we've learned through many hours of court-ordered psychotherapy, it's that experiences during our formative years have a powerful impact on the way we process information later in life. Leave your baby with us for three months and we'll make sure he or she becomes accustomed to the environment associated with your occupation. You might even want to enroll your baby in our inter-species gene therapy program to give them an early start in looking and behaving like a dangerous predator. Imagine the fear and horror your child will instill when he shows up to collect a debt looking and behaving like he's not fully human. The most dangerous and jaded, hardened criminals will be terrified of your baby!
Here's our guarantee to you: After spending the summer with us, your child will not only be comfortable with violence, destruction and human carnage, we promise THEY WILL LIKE IT!
If there's anything we've learned through many hours of court-ordered psychotherapy, it's that experiences during our formative years have a powerful impact on the way we process information later in life. Leave your baby with us for three months and we'll make sure he or she becomes accustomed to the environment associated with your occupation. You might even want to enroll your baby in our inter-species gene therapy program to give them an early start in looking and behaving like a dangerous predator. Imagine the fear and horror your child will instill when he shows up to collect a debt looking and behaving like he's not fully human. The most dangerous and jaded, hardened criminals will be terrified of your baby!
Here's our guarantee to you: After spending the summer with us, your child will not only be comfortable with violence, destruction and human carnage, we promise THEY WILL LIKE IT!
- The most dangerous wild animals and apex predators such as bears, wolves, hyenas, Komodo dragons, and tigers will be afraid of your baby.
- Your child will learn to associate positive feelings with the sights, sounds and smell of criminal chaos.
- In our line of work we're often involved in crime scenes and we also have associates in law enforcement who can give your baby a front row seat to the aftermath of shootings, stabbings, bludgeoning and brutal mayhem.
- The morgue is a playground! Through our friends who work as morgue attendants, your little one will learn that that grisly scenes are just part of life's natural landscape.
- Red meat and HGH! Your baby will be fed only the highest grade beef and pork, fortified with vitamins, minerals and extra growth hormones.
- We must warn you that your child's appearance will change over the course of the summer. During the ages of one to three years old, a child experiences a lot of growth in just a few months, but after spending the summer with us, the difference will be astounding. Although only three months will have passed since you last saw them, your child will have seen more carnage and destruction than most children see in a lifetime. It will be as if your baby has gone to war!
- People will be shocked and frightened by your baby's appearance. Be prepared to hear words of praise such as,
- Your baby tried to steal my motorcycle.
- My dogs don't feel safe when you baby comes to visit.
- Why is your baby looking at me like I owe him money?
- That baby needs to be locked up!
- I'm afraid your baby is going to murder me.
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